Reflections
by Book Lover Rin
Summary: A group of reflections after the Degrassi school shooting telling how different characters might have dealt with what had happened and what was going on in their minds.


_Author's Note: I have a thing for the Degrassi shooting, I'm not sure why. I guess it's because Rick's my favorite characters. Anyway, I do not own Degrassi or any related company, nor am I in way affiliated with it, the actors, company, or any relating persons. This is simply a story deprived from my own mind._

_Now, let's begin shall we?_

* * *

Not My Friend: A Toby Isscas Reflection

_ He's not my friend, he's a psycho, and he's not my friend._

How many times has Tobias (Though he would prefer to be called Toby) Isscas told people that in the last few days, told even himself that? To many of you ask him, far to many. The odd thing is that no matter how many times he says the line he can never completely convince himself of it.

Some of you are probably wonder who "he" is, and he would happen to be Rick Murray, Degrassi Community School's local nerd, social outcast, and psycho. He was also the one who brought the handgun to Degrassi and shoot Jimmy in the back with it, leaving him in serious condition.

Okay now you're probably thinking that that Rick's a terrible person, and to Toby that's not entirely true. Why else would it be so hard to diminish the friendship he had with Rick? Rick was always a good friend, well much better then Toby's friend (old friend?) J.T York had been the entire school year.

A small surge of rage pulsed through Toby as he thought of J.T. -he had all but abandoned him this year! - but his rage quickly died down. Ever since the shooting that had taken place just a few days prior Toby hasn't really been able to feel _anything._ Just an empty feeling haunted him as he tried to move along with his life.

Toby looked down at the homework he was trying to do. Math, and though it wasn't hard Toby just couldn't concentrate on it. Tired of trying, Toby flicked his pencil out of his hand and retreated back into his thoughts, his lonely, twisted thoughts.

Yes Rick had been a good friend. Like Toby he wasn't very high on the social latter, especially after what he did to his ex-girlfriend Terri MacGregor last year. Toby doesn't know all the details, but Rick had abused Terri, and had even put her in a coma after pushing her into a concrete block.

Rick's a terrible person, right? Especially after what was done to Terri he needs to be pushed, right? He's just a monster and so should be treated as one, right? Wrong.

It was beliefs like that that caused others to bully Rick, and in the end make him become a real psycho. It never should have happened...

_ No! Stop that!_ Toby silently ordered himself as he started down at his math homework. He often found himself wanting to feel sorry for his former friend, but somewhere inside of him is a stubborn littler person who wouldn't let him feel any sorrow for Rick. _You can't feel sorry for him... You. Just. Can't._

Though the refusing to give Rick any pity, to try to explain himself and show people that he wasn't the monster that most thought of him to be, was probably what made him go on his shooting, and was ultimately what ended his life. Toby felt ashamed to think that he might be in anyway like the lowlifes who did this to him.

_ No, you're not like them,_ The stubborn little voice inside of Toby told him. _You have a reason to. Rick didn't point a gun at you the other day, he never posed a real threat on them. THEY weren't almost killed by Rick. You were._

Toby glanced at the watch on his wrist. Tonight was Rick's viewing and he knew that Mrs. Murray wanted him there, and the viewing started not to long ago. Toby's fairly certain that if someone was so say "Rick's friend" her mind would probably go right to him. He was sure that in her mind Toby was the perfect friend to Rick.

And that's probably one of the reasons he feels so guilty for not being there. She hadn't done anything wrong, it was her son that was the psycho, why is Toby not there when he probably should be? Making a split moment decision, Toby abandoned his homework and left his house, calling a quick good bye to his parents.

Before he could change his mind Toby started on a fast walk to the Funeral Parlor that Mrs. Murray has told Toby that Rick's viewing would be at. While he walked Toby tried to short out his feelings.

_ No, I'm not like them, like the people who where terrible to him. I'm not, I'm nothing like them._ Toby thought, and then an unknown voice, perhaps a saner one respond in a simple three word sentence that summed it all up.

_ No, you're worst._

Toby was shocked by this little, unknown voice, and at how true it was. He _was_ worst then them in many respects that this moment, and silently he listened to his inner voice as he walked.

_ Yes you, Tobias Isscas, is far worst then any of those bullies ever were. You were his friend and now you're saying he's a psycho, that he wasn't a good friend, much better then J.T. was, and saying that Rick isn't your friend anymore is wrong. More wrong then what was done to him._

The hollow feeling inside of Toby, like an endless void, only increased as he neared the Funeral Parlor. He hesitated going in, but his saner voice urged him on and he entered the miserable place.

As he slowly made his way to the room that Rick's viewing would be in, Toby thought of just how true that little voice was. In the past few days he had been totally unfair to Rick but still... Rick held a gun at him, so certainly his dislike of Rick has a justifiable excuse? Right?

Toby walked into the room and the moment he saw Mrs. Murray standing by Rick's closed coffin, he froze. He couldn't do this, what was he thinking come here? Before Toby could turn to leave though, Mrs. Murray turned around and saw him.

"Toby! I'm glad you're here," she said walking over and giving him a hug. For a moment she seemed happy to see him and Toby's guilt increased.

"Mrs. Murray?" A voice from behind broke in and Toby turned to see a blond boy standing by the doorway. J.T!

"Are you a friend of Rick's?" Mrs. Murray asked, there almost seamed in be a pleading in her eyes for J.T. to say yes, as if she wanted to believe that Rick had a lot of friends, loyal friends who wanted to say a final good-bye.

J.T. didn't answer Mrs. Murray's question, responding only with a, "I'm really sorry about what happened Mrs. Murray, I really am."

As if that was all that was needed to answer her question, Mrs. Murray nodded and retreated back to stand in front of Rick's coffin, as if her wanting him to return from the dead and standing by him would be enough to actually bring him back to life.

Toby and J.T. started at each other for a moment, and in that moment Toby came in a conclusion of sorts.

No, after what Rick had done he wasn't Toby's friend, but he couldn't entirely write him off. Rick had always been good to him, expect for that last day, but other then that he was good. His act couldn't completely be forgiven, after all he had shot Jimmy in the back and it still wasn't certain if he would live or not, but he could never think of, if he was still alive, treating him as others had treated him. No, he could _never_ do that. He would never even think of doing that, but no matter what...

Rick Murray was not his friend.


End file.
